Victim or Victor
You wouldn't be reading this post unless you believed words hold great power. Listening to others can offer new perspectives and spark inspiration, but the words you say to yourself have even more significance. The most empowering thing about lifestyle design is that you are an actor and a director on the grand stage of life. You have the choice to play the part of the victim or victor in any situation. If you tell yourself that you have to constantly sacrifice your health or break your boundaries to gain the love and approval of the people in your life, it's time to paint yourself into a new role.
One of my core beliefs is that everyone has value no matter their background or economic status. Everyone has a different perspective to offer and deserves respect. I've come to realize that not everyone carries this belief. How you see yourself internally will show people how to treat you externally. People often provide respect or value based on appearances and snap judgments, and it is essential to treat yourself with the care you deserve if you ever expect others to respect you.
There is an internal and external relationship in the nonverbal communication of confidence. This relationship is something psychiatrists call "The Marilyn Effect." This effect originates from a story told by Amy Greene, the wife of Marilyn Monroe's photographer. Greene tells us that Marilyn loved New York City because it was easy to blend in. While walking on a particular day, Marilyn turned to Amy and asked, "Do you want to see me become her?" Amy was unsure of what Marilyn was asking but said yes. Before she knew it, cars were suddenly slowing, and people were turning their heads to stop and stare. They recognized that this was Marilyn Monroe. By activating something inside of herself, it was as if Marilyn pulled off a mask. Greene compared this act to magic, but it was an internal attitude adjustment.
You may have noticed the Marilyn effect in your personal life. When you picture a confident person, what comes to mind? You may think of a tall posture or a warm, relaxed smile. These external appearances offer us clues to a person's internal view, or in other words, your attitude changes your physicality.
The skill of shifting your attitude to who you desire to be is something creatives need to desperately practice and master. You could have incredible talent but internally feel like a failure or imposter. This disharmony between your skill and your self-belief will present itself externally. This disharmony causes confusion and a lack of trust from others.
A lot of people worry about insincerity or remaining authentically true to themselves. You may have heard the phrase "fake it until you make it." I want to make something super clear. I'm not telling you to fake anything. I'm talking about connecting to yourself more than ever before. For example, if you want to be a great writer, then be a great writer. You're probably sarcastically thinking, "Yeah, let me just do that." as if it were that easy. You're right. It isn't easy. I'm saying you need to embody the inner world of a great writer. It takes work to represent the person you become by letting the programmed doubt fall away. Notice how your writing heroes present themselves. I'm willing to bet they aren't walking around saying that their writing is just a little hobby or that their work isn't worthy of being published. The feeling of unworthiness is not who you are, and it's not what you want for your future. Stop clinging to it as an identity.
Shifting your attitude to reflect your desires can create quite a stir. There will be pushback from people in your life accustomed to your lack of boundaries. If you never speak up for what you believe and suddenly do, it may not align with those around you. I'm not going to sugarcoat this, but relationships may fall away. When they do, it will hurt, and it can feel like you are doing something wrong. No one is in the wrong here. You joined that relationship as a false version of yourself. If you can keep going and shifting your internal word for the better, you will eventually match the frequency of the people meant to be in your life. Trust that the people destined for you will find you. It's inevitable.
How can you shift your inner world from the victim's mindset to the victor? How can you become the lead role in your life? Becoming the hero of my story is a process I'm currently working on. The first action step I took was listing a few descriptors and beliefs. These descriptors can be something you hear from others or tell yourself. Maybe people tell you you are timid, or you believe that people only value you for the work you can perform. Once you have this list, it is helpful to find what resonates with who you are becoming. If anything doesn't resonate, write a new belief or descriptor next to it that does.
The next step is to use your list to change how you speak to yourself and about yourself to others. This step is a long process. If you are used to deflecting compliments about your work, start accepting them. If you are used to shifting healthy boundaries out of fear, start enforcing them. Embody your new beliefs and start showing up as your powerful self. Doubt may creep in fed by loneliness or a testing situation, but don't beat yourself up if you accidentally slip into old comfortable patterns. It takes time to break old habits. Picking back up and starting again is a strength worth celebrating.
I hope this article opened your mind to the relationship between internal confidence and external perception. I hope you walk away today with a few tips to redesign the role you play in your life's design. If we focus on taking actionable steps toward shifting our inner world, we can find relationships and experiences that resonate.
